I’ve wanted to lose weight as long as I can remember.  I think I was 12 when I started my first diet. My self esteem was so centered around my weight that by the time I was 19 years old, I had no friends and honestly believed that no one would ever really like me unless I was thin. I was so concerned about what everyone else thought of my looks (which is mostly just what I thought others thought about my looks - since most people won’t call you fat and ugly to your face) that I thought about it constantly, everywhere I went.

Of course I wasn’t only critical of my looks, I was also critical of others’ appearance. I mean what fun would it be to only judge yourself and no one else, right? So I would be relieved if someone was fatter than I, had skinny legs but a huge double chin, a nice butt but terrible acne. And if all else failed, I’d just tell myself I was smarter than that pretty bimbo flirting with my man.

‘Whew. They’re not better than me.’ - That’s ultimately the point of these thoughts, right? The perceived competition between your looks and the looks of those around you? But the the truth is that judging other people’s looks might make you feel better about your own insecurities, for a millisecond, but ultimately just not being so insecure is SO MUCH BETTER.

A couple weeks ago I had a party at my house and four of my friends comments were so telling about our perceptions of appearance.

“I just love women. Honestly. I can find something beautiful about every woman, every person that I meet.” He also went on and on about how beautiful his wife is, but how he thinks other people think he’s not attractive enough for her. I was completely shocked to learn of this insecurity, because I think he’s just as attractive as she is.

“My nose is horrible. My stomach is so fat and flabby. My blah blah is not perfect and so I’m hideous.” This was coming from one of my gorgeous girlfriends. She’s a size 0. ZERO! She has the best figure of anybody I’ve ever met in real life. And yeah, her nose isn’t going to land in Plastic Surgery Monthly, but it’s unique and beautiful.

“You are so gorgeous. I mean you are gor-geous!” - Friend A, “You are so beautiful” - Friend B. These comments were said to me! Me who thought I was too hideous to even have friends 10 years ago! They even accused me of be conceited and knowing how hot I was! As if! I let them in on my little secret:

It’s not that I think I’m so hot. It’s just that I think I’m hot enough, and that’s good enough. And if it’s not good enough for you, then don’t let the door hit ya…

These days I’m still fat, in fact I’m fatter than ever. But I’m still hot. I get hit on, my fiance is constantly pawing at me and my friends think I’m gorgeous. Sure someone at the bar might think I’m fat, or ugly or whatever. But who the fuck cares? It’s all about perception. I’ll take the good and forget the rest.

And of course I still judge myself and wish I looked differently. I wish I had thinner legs and perkier boobs and a clearer complexion. But ultimately, I know it doesn’t matter THAT much. I don’t dwell on it. My worth as a human being has very little to do with what I look like. So I quit judging myself so harshly. And when I quit judging myself, it was much easier to quit judging other people.

Ultimately, it isn’t a competition. There is no prize for having the best abs or the biggest boobs or the most muscular pecs, at least not a worthwhile one. The idea that there is some kind of looks competition is just what marketers use to get you to buy fancy face cream and cheap body spray. If you quit thinking your looks matter so much, they won’t matter so much to other people. And if you quit worrying about other people’s appearance, you might actually get to know them for who they are and have less superficial relationships! Imagine that.

I’m not saying that if you think lots of happy thoughts the Ford Modeling agency is going to be knocking on your door. I’m saying have confidence in what you’ve got, forget the rest and realize it doesn’t matter that much. Stop complaining about your nose and your hair and your thighs. It’s selfish and annoying and it’s probably the REAL reason I had no friends at 19. They all got sick of listening to me complain about myself.

More importantly: Our kids our listening to us. When they hear us judge other people, they learn to judge themselves. When they hear us talk about how our looks aren’t good enough, they learn that their looks, and therefore themselves, are not good enough. They also learn that if it’s okay to judge other people’s appearance, it’s okay for those other people to judge them, and more importantly that other people’s judgements of them somehow matter. When ultimately they don’t.

Sure, you might not get that one job, or that one date or that modeling contract because of your looks. So? There are better jobs, better people to date and better aspirations to have. So the next time you make a comment about someone’s looks, ask yourself: What are you really saying about that person, YOURSELF and what’s important in life?